| ba ba ba boid boid boid boid is da woid
loller skates
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| why don't we do it in the road
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| koe jarlisch: i quit my job
dont eat ur skin: nice
dont eat ur skin: how many jobs have you quit?
koe jarlisch: like 6
dont eat ur skin: ahaha
dont eat ur skin: my god
dont eat ur skin: i admire you
dont eat ur skin: im gonna quit this one
dont eat ur skin: its so shitty
koe jarlisch: haha
koe jarlisch: do it
dont eat ur skin: i try and talk to my manager and he just walks past me
koe jarlisch: lol
koe jarlisch: apparently you dont have skin
koe jarlisch: or bones
koe jarlisch: /?
dont eat ur skin: or any sort of vocal range that is audible to human hearing
koe jarlisch: only to unicorns
koe jarlisch: and we all know where those went
dont eat ur skin: aahhh yes
dont eat ur skin: the unicorns
dont eat ur skin: my true friends
dont eat ur skin: yeah
koe jarlisch: fucking unicorns
dont eat ur skin: the factory
dont eat ur skin: to be processed
koe jarlisch: yep
koe jarlisch: unicorn jerky
dont eat ur skin: for their filthy fucking thigh meat
koe jarlisch: its good
koe jarlisch: rich in protein
koe jarlisch: and stuff
dont eat ur skin: i whittled their unihorns into dinner plates
koe jarlisch: we dont talk about that
dont eat ur skin: its true
dont eat ur skin: unspoken of for days
koe jarlisch: months even
koe jarlisch: since.. the incident
dont eat ur skin: the great unicorn fury blitz of 2005
dont eat ur skin: dare we say more
koe jarlisch: ahh yes where all the great corns finally made their stand against unihitler
koe jarlisch: oh shit
dont eat ur skin: ahahaha
dont eat ur skin: yeah
dont eat ur skin: fuckin uninazis
dont eat ur skin: and there commUNIst ways
koe jarlisch: nice dude
i love isaac roy hatch gillette scissors
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| stole this from some broad
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay,
but because he has run out of women.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought
a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard
rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd
had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.
5. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but
Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
6. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
7. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
8. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
9. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
10. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad
and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
11. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then
shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and
ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his
hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months
later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard
that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
12. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
another fist.
14. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
15. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
16. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly
after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
17. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
18. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
19. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
20. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
21. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
22. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a
high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded
the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child.
Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and
then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
23. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
24. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"
and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth
from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was
far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
25. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
26. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
27. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her
and saying "booya".
28. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
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